Sexual Confidence

Hi Seb, I hope you are well. I hope you find the time to read this e-mail with patience and understanding. First let me tell you about my situation and how I feel and then you can tell me if or how you are able to help me. I'm 24, a gay man. I have not been sexually active for some time. Most of my friends don't understand why I can't find a boyfriend or at least a shag', they say 'you're a sweet looking guy you should have no problem meeting someone.' However, I know that the problems lies within me. I have very low self-esteem when it comes to my body and how I feel about it. There is nothing wrong with it externally except that I don't have a very large penis; I guess its average to small. However, in my mind I have shut down sexually. I feel I'm a very sexual person who is blocked or trapped by his internal inhibitions and low self- esteem. I feel tremendous pressure from the gay world to be the biggest, the most hung, the prettiest - u know what I mean.

I'm looking for a serious relationship and if I'm to find the man of my dreams I must sort this problem out. It's causing me a lot of stress and even depression and I'm not sexually active which I really need to be. I'm usually more passive, very sensual and sweet. The thought of going to a 'masseur' like you has crossed my mind a few times but I never really wanted to 'pay for it' as they say - there was an element of shame in having to pay someone, almost like you are not good enough to get it on your own. However I need to do this for myself if I'm going to sort my problem out. I'm genuine and it took a lot of soul searching to get to the point of writing this e-mail. Can you help me? Thank you so much for taking the time to read this e-mail. Yours, *****

Hello Sexy, I am sure many identify with what you are saying in your email. When we feel low we never know what exactly is making us feel down. And when we are down we don't feel as wonderful about ourselves as we should do. So it's difficult to solve this problem because we don't know exactly what's causing it. A very clever client once told me "if your life does not exactly add up...you need to subtract". You need to make space. You need to make space for what ever it is you want to happen. You need to be brave. You need to do things that scare the bollox out of you. Because that will give you a buzz. That will give you energy. It will give you such an energy that you will become alive and want more energy. You'll want more life. You will become more interesting, wiser and most importantly you will be sexier. But to be practical, because that's just my life's philosophy. I would like you to start at the beginning. Start with touch. I want you to do a course in massage. And don't say you have not got the time. We have already spoken about that. When you have finished the course in massage then it's time to do a course in self-defence.

I know many young gay men are taking up kickboxing. You could start with a few private lessons to give you confidence to go to the classes. We have to be honest about that. Some gay men will only have sex with men who have big ones, on the other hand their are many who see a man as a "complete package" and see intimacy with another man as more than shoving a few inches into an orifice. So my advise in a nut shell is start with touch, massage is a great way of opening men up to a deeper sexual experience. Learn a physical discipline that will make you feel more confident about yourself. And indulge yourself in lots of casual safe sex that will awaken you and your sexuality. Butt only have sex with men who you really fancy. Don't do it for the sake of doing it. I wish you love, luck and lust on your sacred journey. A very clever man, Chester Mainard, once said; "Its hard to be confident and tight assed, open your ASS and YOUR HEART AND MIND WILL FOLLOW. Seb Cox

Dear Young Man, It is a great pity that your low self-esteem is blocking your way to a relationship and to sexual fulfillment, at present. You are assuredly not the only guy to have his confidence diminished by thinking that his penis is too small, but you must try to take some positive action to rebuild your confidence and to build up your self-esteem. Firstly I am sure that a session with Seb would be a very good thing. You should not see this as paying for sex because you can't get it (clearly not the case), but paying for a therapy, a treatment and a pleasurable experience, which you will enjoy and get great benefit from. We all pay for many other pleasures so why not for sex? Even if your cock is a little on the small side I am sure that you have given great pleasure to some sexual partners and you should try to concentrate on that knowledge. If they enjoyed being with you then clearly the size of your cock was irrelevant to enjoying your company and you can be proud about the pleasure you give. I am sure that in a session with Seb you can also learn some techniques and get some tips on how to become an even more skilled lover. On his website Seb details some massage techniques which may lengthen your cock. Try them and they may help. I wonder whether there are other things, which have dented your self-esteem? If someone has been unpleasant about the size of your cock they are plonkers who don't know anything and you need to forget them or at least feel angry towards them. Defy them by not allowing them to inhibit you and your life, sexual or otherwise.

You say that you are good looking and have a nice body, which is a tremendous advantage; build on it. Improve your physique, take care of your appearance and be proud of your physical attraction. Is there anything else which lowers your self-esteem? Be honest with yourself and if there is I am sure there are ways to overcome this. If for example you feel that you should be better educated then take some courses in or learn about something, which would interest you. I don't know anything about the gay scene but if the places you frequent and the people you meet put pressure on you to be the most beautiful, the best hung etc. surely there must be some clubs, associations or bars where you can meet gay people which are more relaxed and laid back? Lots of people gay or straight or bi at your sort of age do feel tremendous pressure to be accepted and thought of as good-looking, successful, attractive etc. It is a very real pressure and difficult to deal with, but I am sure that you know in your heart of hearts, that for the good relationship which you seek, your partner's and your personalities, the way you behave toward one another and the things you enjoy together are the most important. If someone is only interested in you for the size of your cock it won't be a good or lasting relationship and they will be very boring people of no interest to you. You have a lot more to offer and don't forget it! I am sure that you will sort this out successfully because you have already taken the first positive step by writing your e-mail. Good Luck and be happy!!. Mr. c

Howya? Don't worry about it kid...there's so many men who don't give a crap on how big your dick is.  Also, many guyz also think they're really small when they are actually not...you didn't mention how big U were in inches.... For example, I chatted and shagged with a guy who was quite inexperienced when it cums to guyz and he told me rite off that he had a small dick...I told him doesn't matter, but when I actually met him, he was at least 8"---which is not small to say the very least.... but because he didn't have a 10-incher, in his mind he was "small". Yeah, a lot of guyz want a 10"dick, but who cares...if they're just interested in that only, they probably wouldn't be good boyfriend material anyway, since there's a helluva lot more to a relationship than just dick size, yeah? So don't be so hard (sic) on yourself and try to relax more abit...me: I'm 7-1/2" myself...would I like to l like to have a 10 incher? Sure, who wouldn't? But for what its worth to ya, I don't bottom very often, but when I do, I DONT want a 10"cock up my ass! I much rather prefer somebody smaller in size if I'm going to get plowed...and many guyz feel the same way too...so consider that one as well. Good luck to ya, and I hope I helped ye somewhat...CHEERS! Jimmy_D

I am 47 years old, and when I was your age I was convinced that I was the most unattractive man on earth.  It didn't matter that the editor of GQ magazine had a snapshot of me, shirtless, on the bulletin board behind his desk, or that I had more offers of sex than I knew what to do with.  I did NOT fit the mold of the "hunky" buff young stud, and I couldn't imagine that anyone would find me sexy, despite all the evidence to the contrary. It comes down to this: when you feel like shit, you think you look like shit; and when you think you look like shit, you feel like shit.  Now, 25 years later, I look back at the snapshots from those days and think, Christ, I was BEAUTIFUL! Learn to love yourself, man.  I mean that literally and figuratively. Literally: masturbate in front of mirror, or in the tub, and take all the time you need to explore every part of your body, letting your hands go wherever they want to go...tell yourself how beautiful you are, how beautiful that COCK is!  Because let me tell you, there are plenty of men who are RELIEVED to see that a guy isn't packing 8 inches in his trousers--you can do a lot more with a smaller tool than a huge one.  And if you've ever been fucked, it can be a lot more pleasurable to have a smaller dick inside you than a battering ram. As for figuratively: this is a lifelong process, and if you have the access and means to seeing a good therapist, do it.  It can change your world.  Otherwise do some self-help reading by gay or gay-friendly writers, and give yourself a break.  You're too damn young to be so down on yourself.  I know because I've been there...Steve

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